Cali, our first family dog, passed away this past week. I did not expect the emotions of grief and loss that came because of it. These adorable and loyal creatures that God made become part of the tapestry of our lives, and when that thread is pulled out of our lives before we’re ready, it creates trauma and grief in the loss. The process of our family’s tearful goodbye to our dog jarred my memory of the very real grief that comes when a staff pastor or lay leader is tossed aside and wounded in a broken under situation by a church leader (or leaders) they served. And often, like the passing of a beloved pet, others often dismiss being removed from a pastoral or lay leader ministry role as trivial because there’s always another one over the horizon. However, there is often a deep and personal grief that weights down the heart of the leader who experiences this kind of loss.

            The things we grieve over can be vast, and subjective for each person, but we’re often unaware of the triggers until they happen and take us by surprise. The nature of grief itself is similar for each person, even if it varies in intensity or one spends more or less time in each of the particular grieving phases. When a church leader is spiritually and emotionally abused and then tossed aside, the grief for that leader and their family can be deep, and sometimes it can even end a ministry career, or stop a family member from ever contributing in the church ever again. Fear of greater wounding is a powerful negative motivator. I’ve chosen a couple of thoughts to go over in this blog, that will hopefully help you frame up the grief of being wounded and discarded by a church leader (or group of leaders). I'll also talk about how to begin the journey back to healing and life giving Kingdom activity with Jesus again.

 

Anything can be a trigger for grief.

 

I was the one who did the final cleaning on our dog’s food bowls. It brought back all the memories of the little dances she would do for her food on special occasions when she would get a little extra in her bowl, with all the joy and laughter it brought our family. Her last meal was where she gave me her final doggie kisses. The same kind of thing happens in regards to triggers for pastors and church leaders (or anyone grieving a loss) who was once fulfilling their calling serving the Lord by serving a church leader and has been wounded and tossed aside. As church leaders, whether around our home, the church we still attend, or even a new church, ministry items can be a reminder of what we once contributed to the kingdom but were forcefully sidelined from in a breaking under situation. We look at the tools we used so skillfully for the Lord with a painful disinterest, because just looking at them reminds us of what we used to do with them for the Lord with joy. A musical instrument we used to lead others into the presence of God with, a piece of tech we used to broadcast the truth of God’s word, even clothing reserved for serving in one context or another all wash our hearts with memories of a time when we were serving the Lord actively in a ministry or a church we loved. The pain of those memories brings back the grief of the pain of betrayal as you think about what could have been.

 

Even the word of God, for those who taught and preached it in vocational or lay ministry roles, has become a reminder of what you used to do. Now God's word has become near impossible to pick up and nurture your soul with. These are warning lights on the dashboard of your heart that the pain of betrayal is present and deep, and that we need engagement with this grief. Talking through your grief with trusted friends, confidants, and professional Christian counselors is a must, as well as recognizing that along the way God is uniquely with us in our loss when we are tossed aside. So make sure you are at the very least aware that there are triggers that activate grief after being broken under and forced away from a point of ministry.  

 

Healing: Time yes, but the presence too.

 

I saw a meme that stated that time doesn’t make your grief grow smaller, it’s just that our lives continue to grow larger around the loss. This happens as God continues to sew more threads into the tapestry of our lives. I believe this to be true, especially when it comes to being broken under as an actively serving church leader. Most likely you have left that place of ministry, or even that church and leader you served, and are now moving on with what the Lord has for you next. That doesn’t make the pain magically go away, but it does make the ramifications grow less in light of the next thing God is doing in your life. The key is, after a season of grieving the loss of being broken under by a church leader, it’s time to get on with what’s next. Even if that’s hard and we’re still carrying the grief. I was reminded of this on the day after my dog passed. I was alone in my car running an errand and I put on some worship music, something I normally do on the regular. Even though I really wasn’t in the state of mind for it, I gave the Lord the room He wanted to speak to my unsettled heart none the less. Low and behold, the Lord started reinforcing my broken heart with His strength and peace, even though the grief was still there. The Lord isn’t so heartless as to dismiss the pain of the genuine emotions we feel in our pain, but He will fortify us with the presence of His Holy Spirit to carry us to a place of healing. Strength for the rest of the journey is possible in Jesus, all we have to do is make a little room for Him in the middle of our loss. Our time surrendered to God + God’s presence = the healing of our wounded souls, and eventually a restoration of God’s call on your life. This is especially true after we have gone through a breaking under season as a Christian leader.

 

Beyond the grief

 

Let me encourage you with a couple things.

 

First, your grief is legitimate to the Lord. But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. (Psalm 10:14 NIV84). Your former church leader who wounded your heart obviously doesn’t see the grief they authored as legitimate, but God does. Victimizers always have to downplay the wounding they caused in others, it’s one of the ways they establish a narrative to justify their spiritually abusive leadership methods. But the Lord doesn’t downplay your grief, He doesn’t sluff off your pain, and He recognizes that you’ve incurred a legitimate loss. When you seek the Lord, know without a doubt, He will take it into account on your behalf because He loves you.

 

Second, you need to properly grieve the loss of your broken under season as a church leader. Don’t rush it, do it well. Grieve with the Lord, and let Him in His presence make you whole again. Do not try this in your own strength now, because your own strength has waned in this season because of the grief and loss. As always, don’t run from the Lord in shame, but run to Him and His love, your healing and restoration is in His hands when you do.