Relationship restoration is NOT possible when your former leader is continuing to spiritually and emotionally abuse you.

 

This might seem obvious, but the deception comes in the form of subtle lulls in the abusive behavior. This usually happens during times of ministry success or stability on your part. During these times the words of discouragement cease, the setting up for failure is on pause, and if there’s actual ministry success on your part, your leader might even being paying attention to you and giving credit where it’s due. However, when that ministry success or stability begins to wane in the slightest, as the ups and downs of ministry happens, the abuse returns. The words of discouragement return, the unwarranted shuffling of ministry duties begins, the assignment of impossible ministry tasks recommence, and the cold shoulder on a social level begins to appear again. These are just some of the dozens of ways an abusive spiritual leader wounds the ones who serve them and attempts to set them up for failure. Whether the spiritually and emotional abuse is in a lull, or a flat-out attack, a relationship with that senior church leader cannot take place when the abuse is ongoing.

 

Relationship restoration is NOT possible when your former leader is unrepentant of their abuse towards you, and refuses to admit or take responsibility for their abusive.

 

When the senior church leader who wounded you refuses to consider, admit, or take responsibility for the abuse and consequences done to you, relationship restoration with that leader is not possible. Be aware that a leader apologizing and expressing remorse to you for you being offended by them is NOT them actually taking responsibility for the wounding and pain they caused you. All that is, is the leader trying to placate you by being polite. The difference is profound. When an abusive leader repents of their abusive ways towards you, they often take the journey of changing the way they lead others in the future. When a spiritual senior leader doesn’t take responsibility for their abusive ways, they continue to cultivate a toxic spiritual leadership atmosphere in the church, which opens the doors for other people who would serve them in the future getting wounded. Spiritual and emotional abuse will always repeat itself in the church when the spiritual leader refuses to take personal responsibility of their abuse and the right conditions in conflict present themselves. When a senior spiritual leader refuses to take responsibility for their abuse, relationship restoration is not possible.

Relationship restoration is NOT possible when your former leader is continuing to spread false narrative about you.

 

Closely related to the last point is when your former leader is continuing to spread a false narrative about you among your (former) church, community, network or denomination. Healthy senior church leaders don’t talk behind the backs of the ones they lead, they walk in the integrity of the Lord. So if a former abusive spiritual leader is shaking your hand in the morning, and then in the afternoon tearing a strip off you in the afternoon leadership meeting behind your back, relationship restoration with that leader is not going to be possible.

 

Relationship restoration is NOT possible when your spouse and family are still deeply wounded by what happened.

 

Jesus first. Spouse second. Children third. Everything else as God leads you to prioritize as per your calling, and Heaven’s assignment on your life. Your spouse and children’s heart in the matter of senior leadership spiritual abuse comes first. When a breaking under happens, the spouse and family of the abused spiritual leader often suffers as much, if not more, than the leader does. A life and a gospel witness built in the community, a safe and caring home built for the family, school and friendships settled and life giving, are all ripped up by the hands of the spiritually and emotionally abusive senior leader. The staff pastor or lay ministry's leader's families suffer as much under terrible shepherding. You might be at the place where you’re ready to restore a relationship with the former abusive leader, but if your spouse or family isn’t, then they come first, and that restoration will have to be put on hold until your family has walked through the Lord’s healing from the spiritual abuse they've received unjustly  

 

In the next blog we’re going to talk about how you walk out not being able to see a relationship restored with an abusive senior leader in healthy God honoring way that maintains the healing you’ve received in the Lord. I want to invite you to check out the podcast on this vital subject here.