When relationship restoration is NOT possible. Part Two.
Broken Rising Blog | 011
By Gary Don
In part one of the last blog I laid out the conditions which make relationship restoration with a spiritually and emotionally abusive senior church leader not possible, here. In this, part two of the blog, we are going to explore how you walk out the unreconciled relationship in a spiritually healthy way that will preserve the Lord’s healing from that wounding. When spiritual and emotional abuse at the hands of a senior church leader is left with loose ends in the form of the broken relationship with that leader, we are often left in despair. What do we do? How do we walk this out? How do we let the Lord heal our hearts and minds even though the pain could even be on going? Let’s explore how we engage in healthy way with a spiritually and emotionally abusive senior leader where the relationship is not able to be restored.
You don’t treat your former leader poorly on a social level.
You may still be attending the same church or live in the same community. You may very well bump into them at your kids’ games, or at the grocery store. You may very well still be a part of the same para-church organization or committees, or most likely you are still a part of the same network or denomination as your former leader. Either way, there is a chance that either in the real world, or digitally, you will bump into your former spiritually abusive leader somewhere. When you do, the temptation is to make them pay for what they did to you by means of treating them poorly socially. Cold shoulders, harsh words, sarcastic words, ignoring them in meetings are all ways we treat former leaders in an un-Christ like way. You are called to have Godly character in your speech and actions towards them, even if they don’t deserve it, especially if they don’t deserve it. Now, you’re not going to talk about your family, personal life, or ministry on any kind of significant level. Do not engage in conversation or talk about information with that former spiritually abusive leader that will make you uncomfortable, or you know will re-wound your mind and soul. Those deep life details are reserved solely for trusted friends and family in the Lord. However, the last thing you need to do is elevate the tension and awkwardness with actions and speech that will represent Jesus poorly, and make the pain in your heart go deeper. That will only take you further away from God’s healing. You won’t have deep conversations, but don’t treat your former leader badly on a social level either.
Don’t speak evil of your former abusive spiritual leader.
A sure-fire way to tell whether someone is still deeply wounded by the pain caused by the spiritual and emotional abuse at the hands of a former abusive senior church leader is how they speak about them once they’ve left their leadership influence. You obviously can’t speak about your former leader’s leadership decisions in the positive, but you can’t speak about them in the negative either, and you are especially not called to speak evil about them or over them. That is not the way of Jesus. Please understand that this is not a call to lie, be fake or duplicitous in your dealings with your former leader. This is a call to employ God's grace and forgiveness, even to a former leader who definably doesn’t deserve it, because that’s what makes it grace – the fact that your former leader doesn’t deserve it. God has called you to reject the world’s ways of lies, rumors and false narratives as a means to deal with broken relationships. You are a child of God, redeemed in Christ. That means you walk in the ways of Jesus, and reject speaking evil of anyone, even a spiritually abusive senior leader who are themselves walking in spiritually abusive ways.
Pursue your own healing and future in Christ
A former spiritual leader’s abuse of you, does not disqualify you from the Love of Jesus, or rescind God’s call on your life. One of the most practical things we can do, is to draw closer to the heart of Jesus and take the journey of healing with Him, because Jesus will never hurt you. Letting go and leaving the memories of the pain and wounding behind is not the same thing as pushing them deep into your heart where they will eventually reap a destructive harvest in your life, family and ministry seasons or years later. If you leave the pain unattended below the surface, it might look out of sight and mind for now, but the wounding is actually growing deep roots of resentment and despair that will instead breakthrough the ground and choke out your future. We deal with the hurt, wounding and deep pain by going to the safest place there is, the arms of Jesus. We get on with our future in Christ, instead of listening to the words of death spoken by the abusive leader towards our God given gifts and calling. Work hard to avoid the trap of using the same spiritually abusive leadership principles of your former senior church leader. Instead, walk in the ways of Jesus, rejecting the spirit of resentment and hurt, and get on with your life in Christ.
It must be said again; An unrestored relationship with a former spiritual leader is never the will or heart of the Father. It’s always some kind of loss to the church and God’s people. However, in Christ there is always a road to redemption, and that road mean rejecting the pain and wounding that was authored in you by a spiritually and emotionally abusive senior church leader. Walk in the high character of the Lord and His word, and embracing what Christ has for you next with anticipation for what He is about to do in the next season of your life.
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